These are probably the blog posts I shouldn't write. The ones when I'm home alone and it's late at night and I'm feeling sorry for myself but I just checked a blog I like to follow. One in which there is a new baby and there was pictures from the hospital. Picture of a new baby born vaginally and lying on mom's chest skin to skin.
This is something I wanted with my first child. Maren "failed to progress" through the birth canal and I ended up having a c-section and she was whisked away to the NICU to monitor her for infection because I was running a temperature when they were trying to suction cup her head out of my vagina. After the c-section I think it took me 10 days maybe even two weeks before I even looked at my incision. I didn't want to face the failure I felt.
The second time around when the OB/GYN said I could try a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) I really wanted to succeed. Both times I also wanted to succeed with no spinal. Both times I ended up caving and going with the "walking" epidural. I could live with that. Having to have a second c-section, a second failure, I HAVE to live with that. I GET to live with that. (Don't get me wrong I am still very happy to be here.)
What I haven't yet taken the time to mourn is the loss of birth as God intended it. The birth women have been experiencing for centuries. Babies turning down and proceeding through the birth canal. Pushing all nine months of misery out to a beautiful culmination of life. (Okay so to some of you this is NOT what your ideal birth is and you think I'm crazy, I realize that.)
What I haven't yet taken the time to mourn is the loss of bonding with my newborn baby skin to skin the second after she was born. To lie there with her completely exhausted feeling her warmth and being overcome with love. I really wanted that. Boy am I lucky that I had two healthy babies that I've been bonding with for years. Two healthy babies, two live babies, babies with fully developed lungs born FULL term, boy am I lucky!
I'm not upset when I see pregnant women or newborn babies. They aren't me and they aren't mine. I WANT to hear your birth story. It helps.
I do need to take the time to work through these emotions and mourn the loss of what I wanted so badly. Maybe it seems silly and I'm sure it seems selfish, after all it's not all about me. Maybe these are the blog posts I MOST need to write. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about my feelings. Not that I don't have many willing, trusted, loving listeners I'm just not ready to say it out loud. Not to anyone but my husband and I'm not sure he is on the list of willing listeners. I'm not ready to say I'll never get to experience the joy and pain of vaginal birth. I'm not ready to say that I'll never hold my offspring against my bare chest the second after they are born and let them feed from my breast as soon as they're ready. I'm not ready to say it but at least I'm willing to write it.
Good for you for putting your feelings into words. What you feel is completely valid and you are not alone. There are some new c-section methods out there that do the best job possible of mimicking the bonding experience of natural birth including giving baby to mom immediately and having that very previous skin-to-skin time. This is something that needs to be examined more closely here in the US. Mothers crave that bonding experience early on. It's great that you are able to give your feelings such eloquent words.
ReplyDeleteI love you Nik... I'd give you whatever I could to make you get to experience that joy! I wish it was something I thought more about and wished for because I can clearly see how important it is to you! You are blessed with two amazing girls (who I love so dearly!). They bring such happiness to anyone they are around. There is nothing like hearing "Auntie Kris" from across the park, the beach, or even at the house. Thank you for letting me be part of your family :)
ReplyDeleteI think that if there is a God (I'm still up in the air on this one) he/she would have had something to do behind all the advances in birthing technologically. If it wasn't for the epidural/pitocin combo, I and baby would have probably died in childbirth. What I wish is that I wouldn't have taken the "natural birthing" class in which they pushed the natural vaginal drug-free birth as the best thing. Well, it doesn't work for everyone and after my first birth, I felt like a failure. After my second, I realized I just needed to change my worldview and be proud of myself for carrying those babies to term and be thankful that I got them out safely. And also to stand up for women such as myself when the natural birthing hippies on my block get on their high horses. As for the scar, I've seen some interesting tattoos done around C-section scars.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you missed having this experience. It is not something I have ever thought of but I can see it being something that a mother would cherish. That being said; it is but a moment and as you have already pointed out and as this blog is a testament to, what amazing adventures you have with your girls. You are giving your girls a memorable childhood where they will grow into confident women.
ReplyDeleteI commend you for your honesty and for being brave enough to express your feelings. Hang in there. And in response to a recent post you made on FB about not being a good mother.......like a stab in my heart. It may have been said in passing but it could not be further from the truth. It is so obvious to anyone that sees your girls; they are so filled with love and happiness. You can't 'see' that kind of energy in children that are not getting the emotional and parental guidance so necessary at that stage. I say keep doing what you are doing. I think your girls are the bomb! Failure should not even be in your vocabulary; you are a wonderful mother.