Blue Sand

Maren wanted to dig in the garden with some new gardening tools she got. Lillian wanted to crawl right into the garden and sit down so I suggested opening the sand box. 

Soon I was cursing those of you who, when I said I got a sand box for the girls said in reply, "Have you seen that they make colored sand?" It didn't take long for the sand to go all over. Maren put it on her head and Lilly's. 

Lilly was happy as a lark so I didn't get upset.

Maren tried to show me how she'd wash it off in the pool.

see?

 Nice try, babe.

Try again? Sure, why not.

Meanwhile, Lilly progressed to doing what she does best - putting things in her mouth.

I'd try to stop her but it'd be futile.

The cool breeze started to make the girls chilly and they went straight inside into the tub (as if there was any other way I was bringing those two in). That was the time I started thanking those above mentioned colored sand sayers because I could SEE the sand in their hair therefore I could see when it was out (as out as it was going to get anyway). Maren now knows that sand does NOT go on anyone's head.

And She's Walking

Yesterday was our last ECFE class of the school year. We were in the infant toddler room and Lilly just took off! She walked from me to the book shelf, about 5 or 6 feet! What? Wow! I'm glad Harneet saw it too or I may not have believed it. Unfortunately Dad wasn't home to help be get a video of that first day of walking but today I had help.

Here's a compilation of the videos ending in Lillian loving her lovie and Maren not to be outdone loves her blanket too.

A Summer Week

The weather is nice!! I'm going crazy inside with these two. Out we go! 

Luckily Lilly is getting into wearing a "pretty hat" so that her baby melon doesn't get fried. 

Maren wore this same suit and hat that she got as a gift when she was born from cousin Lynn! I love seeing Lilly in the same clothes Maren wore.

We always start with the sandbox and then move to the pool. The kids love it!  

I can't believe how much time they'll spend playing like this in the pool. I pull weeds, read a magazine, what else can I do outside??! 

Maren partied too

Maren was quite excited for Lillian's birthday too. She had her dress picked out four days ahead of time. She got to help Gramma pick out what was on the cake and everything. Grampa put up a new swing at their house and it was a big hit with Maren.

 just love these ones- too cute

Great Aunt Donna tried to teach Maren how to make a whistle sound blowing grass

Out to the pasture to visit Dawn. Gramma let Dustin and Maren feed her watermelon!

She'd sleep on her if we'd let her. Dawn is so good around the kids. She doesn't even move. She closes her eyes and soaks up the love.

Singing Happy Birthday

Gramma always let's her pick the piece she wants. She wanted the kitty's eyes - well actually the whole face. She got it! She tends to eat the frosting and hand off the cake.

Maren got to help Lilly open her gifts. She was so excited to be the big sister and help little Lilly. 

Thanks for having a birthday little Lilly so we could all party!

Happy Birthday Baby Lilly

Birthday celebrations began after nap. Once guests started to arrive Geena barked (as always) and woke me up. I was a little groggy to begin with but once the watermelon was in my hand the party began. Kids love watermelon.

 We were lucky to have great weather and were able to be outside. I like a leisure swing now and then.

 Then my cousin Blake sat with me. I tried to give him a hug and cuddle with him back there.

That big horse at Gramma and Grampa's isn't as scary to me as it use to be. Now I'll even get on and bounce-a-bounce-a-bounce.

 Then it was time for dinner cake. I was playing nicely at the sand and water table with my cousins and mom came over and ripped me away. Boy, did I raise my voice at her. I even pulled out a crocodile tear.

I ended up back in my seat - that's always good. People sang a tune, that was a little scary, those people can't sing. I tried to blow out a candle on a cake with a kitty on it. Then came the cake. I gave it a try.

Pure deliciousness. I'll stuff my face with that.

 I think there's room for a little more. 

I found out later that there wasn't more room, a little had to come back up. Just a little though. Then a leisurely ride home. Not such a bad day. I'll take this birthday thing. Thanks to all of you who helped me celebrate my first birthday. What a party!

Cup

Lilly wants whatever someone else has. Usually her sister. Today it was me. The whining is unrelenting so I tend to give in.

While Maren typically doesn't want her picture taken she also doesn't want to NOT be the center of attention

The truth

The truth is, I don't have a journalism degree. Nor do I have correct grammar and impeccable spelling. I don't blog to tell much of a story just to share the beauty of my girls with those who care to check in.

The truth is, this week has been harder than I ever thought it would be and I'm not going to pretend like it hasn't been. My youngest daughter turned one. A happy milestone.

The truth is, I should be happier. I love my Lilly and she is an amazing, happy, beautiful one-year-old. I can't quite get over the fact that she's the only one-year-old I'll ever have. I'll never have another baby. The doctor's assured me that my husband and I could still have our own children through a surrogate. Right, a couple of art majors can afford a surrogate. We can't even afford to eat out once a month. We can't afford to adopt. We went to college for something we loved to create. Now we can't afford to have the family we'd love to create.

The truth is, that I wouldn't even consider another child on top of the two I have. Especially after Lillian having a fever today which kept us home from ECFE. It also kept us about 5 inches apart all day. I got little to nothing done. Maren was jumping on my last nerve and I had to really try to not explode with anger. I am at my end with the two I have and wouldn't consider a third at this point.

The truth is, that doesn't make it any easier. All I want is the choice. I want to be able to decide for ourselves wether we are a family of 4 or a family of more. For those of you who want to just be more than a family of 2, I apologize. I don't know what it's like to try to conceive for years. I am lucky to be where I am. That doesn't make it easier.

The truth is, I almost died.

The truth is, I don't have any of my own blood. After 7 liters (the average adult has 5-6 liters) I was saved by a trauma surgeon at Regions Hospital.

The truth is, no one but my mother and KV acknowledged this on Lillian's birthday. Somehow that hurts. I'll never forget how it felt to wake up in ICU with a tube down my throat covered in needles, tape, and lines, unable to breath. I'll never forget what it felt like to have to stay there ALONE that first night with a phone next to me and three memorized numbers. It was suppose to be happy. Congratulations you had a baby. It was suppose to be joyous. It wasn't suppose to be scary. It wasn't suppose to be mournful.

The truth is, I don't know exactly why  it makes me so sad. I don't know why it's been so hard.

The truth is, Lillian took three steps today. I'll try to do the same.

24 hours later:

I guess I didn't realize that some of you may not have even known what happened. It's not like I posted it on Facebook. I failed to progress during labor and was having terrible pains in my rear. I had a c-section just like I did with Maren. I had really wanted to experience vaginal birth. I wanted to have skin to skin bonding time with my newborn baby.

I started bleeding in recovery after my c-section, bad. Not that I remember because I was out. After opening me back up and not being able to stop the bleeding the OBs decided to remove my uterus assuming that would do it.

It didn't. Hence the trauma surgeon. After 4 hours of bleeding through surgeries it stopped. My recovery started. I hadn't realized that it wasn't over.