The truth is, this week has been harder than I ever thought it would be and I'm not going to pretend like it hasn't been. My youngest daughter turned one. A happy milestone.
The truth is, I should be happier. I love my Lilly and she is an amazing, happy, beautiful one-year-old. I can't quite get over the fact that she's the only one-year-old I'll ever have. I'll never have another baby. The doctor's assured me that my husband and I could still have our own children through a surrogate. Right, a couple of art majors can afford a surrogate. We can't even afford to eat out once a month. We can't afford to adopt. We went to college for something we loved to create. Now we can't afford to have the family we'd love to create.
The truth is, that I wouldn't even consider another child on top of the two I have. Especially after Lillian having a fever today which kept us home from ECFE. It also kept us about 5 inches apart all day. I got little to nothing done. Maren was jumping on my last nerve and I had to really try to not explode with anger. I am at my end with the two I have and wouldn't consider a third at this point.
The truth is, that doesn't make it any easier. All I want is the choice. I want to be able to decide for ourselves wether we are a family of 4 or a family of more. For those of you who want to just be more than a family of 2, I apologize. I don't know what it's like to try to conceive for years. I am lucky to be where I am. That doesn't make it easier.
The truth is, I almost died.
The truth is, I don't have any of my own blood. After 7 liters (the average adult has 5-6 liters) I was saved by a trauma surgeon at Regions Hospital.
The truth is, no one but my mother and KV acknowledged this on Lillian's birthday. Somehow that hurts. I'll never forget how it felt to wake up in ICU with a tube down my throat covered in needles, tape, and lines, unable to breath. I'll never forget what it felt like to have to stay there ALONE that first night with a phone next to me and three memorized numbers. It was suppose to be happy. Congratulations you had a baby. It was suppose to be joyous. It wasn't suppose to be scary. It wasn't suppose to be mournful.
The truth is, I don't know exactly why it makes me so sad. I don't know why it's been so hard.
The truth is, Lillian took three steps today. I'll try to do the same.
24 hours later:
I guess I didn't realize that some of you may not have even known what happened. It's not like I posted it on Facebook. I failed to progress during labor and was having terrible pains in my rear. I had a c-section just like I did with Maren. I had really wanted to experience vaginal birth. I wanted to have skin to skin bonding time with my newborn baby.
I started bleeding in recovery after my c-section, bad. Not that I remember because I was out. After opening me back up and not being able to stop the bleeding the OBs decided to remove my uterus assuming that would do it.
It didn't. Hence the trauma surgeon. After 4 hours of bleeding through surgeries it stopped. My recovery started. I hadn't realized that it wasn't over.
I started bleeding in recovery after my c-section, bad. Not that I remember because I was out. After opening me back up and not being able to stop the bleeding the OBs decided to remove my uterus assuming that would do it.
It didn't. Hence the trauma surgeon. After 4 hours of bleeding through surgeries it stopped. My recovery started. I hadn't realized that it wasn't over.
I had a somewhat traumatic birthing experience with Sawyer (nothing like yours, of course) and it took me awhile to get over that absolute feeling of aloneness I had while in that kind of pain. And then two years of substandard sleep afterwards. I think physical trauma + losing your ability to have children whether or not you want them feels like losing a piece of your womanhood (I've had infertility problems so I had to struggle with feeling like less-than-fully-female) + sleep deprivation = the baby blues which can turn into the toddler blues if said baby still isn't sleeping well. This too shall pass and until it does, don't feel bad about feeling bad. It is totally normal. Motherhood is wonderful and terrible.
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