Aftermath

While I should have just left the video post and went off to bed I just had to use this time to talk. When I get home from work the house is quiet, I don't feel like eating alone. Matt is asleep and there's no one to talk to. I don't blame you all for being asleep at this time of night. It's late. I'm just not tired. And today was one of those emotional days.

I saw an OB/GYN today to review the results of my latest ultrasound on my cystic left ovary. The news was good. The appointment was not.

The cyst is larger than it has been in the past but it looks like it is because it bled into itself. In the process of finding that out Matt hashed back on everything that happened eighteen months and six days ago. I sort of thought we had moved past that. The lawyers said we don't have a case. There was no wrongdoing on the part of the hospital or doctors but my husband still doesn't agree. I wanted him to come to the appointment in case they said that the ovary needed to be removed. He often has a lot of questions and I wanted him to ask someone other than me for the answers. He came, begrudgingly. I had tried to get in to see the doctor who would have know all this history but no such luck unless I wanted to wait until the 23rd of December. Needless to say the doctor asked about the trauma surgery and Matt went right off on his tangent telling her how wrong everything had went and giving his opinion on this, that, and the other.

I started to cry. I had to tell him to stop. To raise my voice and say, stop it. It's not about that. That's not why we're here. I really didn't realize how much he still harbored. How much anger and resentment he still holds inside. How much those feelings make me hurt. I guess I should have seen it coming -seen that he'd bring it up at the appointment today. However, I did not. Not anywhere on my radar. It was a surprise. It surprised me that my husband has such strong feelings that he doesn't share with me. Feelings that he doesn't do anything about.

Did the trauma surgery cause my cyst? Very possibly.
Are we still dealing with the medical aftermath? Yes.
Is it possible that we may be for a very long time to come? Of course.

I just wish we were all okay with that. It's still hard for me. I'm not going to lie. It still makes me cry but that is why I've tried to move on. What happened that day is the past. I can't change it and neither can my tears. I'm just happy to be alive. Everyday is a struggle but I'm here.