Cup

Lilly wants whatever someone else has. Usually her sister. Today it was me. The whining is unrelenting so I tend to give in.

While Maren typically doesn't want her picture taken she also doesn't want to NOT be the center of attention

The truth

The truth is, I don't have a journalism degree. Nor do I have correct grammar and impeccable spelling. I don't blog to tell much of a story just to share the beauty of my girls with those who care to check in.

The truth is, this week has been harder than I ever thought it would be and I'm not going to pretend like it hasn't been. My youngest daughter turned one. A happy milestone.

The truth is, I should be happier. I love my Lilly and she is an amazing, happy, beautiful one-year-old. I can't quite get over the fact that she's the only one-year-old I'll ever have. I'll never have another baby. The doctor's assured me that my husband and I could still have our own children through a surrogate. Right, a couple of art majors can afford a surrogate. We can't even afford to eat out once a month. We can't afford to adopt. We went to college for something we loved to create. Now we can't afford to have the family we'd love to create.

The truth is, that I wouldn't even consider another child on top of the two I have. Especially after Lillian having a fever today which kept us home from ECFE. It also kept us about 5 inches apart all day. I got little to nothing done. Maren was jumping on my last nerve and I had to really try to not explode with anger. I am at my end with the two I have and wouldn't consider a third at this point.

The truth is, that doesn't make it any easier. All I want is the choice. I want to be able to decide for ourselves wether we are a family of 4 or a family of more. For those of you who want to just be more than a family of 2, I apologize. I don't know what it's like to try to conceive for years. I am lucky to be where I am. That doesn't make it easier.

The truth is, I almost died.

The truth is, I don't have any of my own blood. After 7 liters (the average adult has 5-6 liters) I was saved by a trauma surgeon at Regions Hospital.

The truth is, no one but my mother and KV acknowledged this on Lillian's birthday. Somehow that hurts. I'll never forget how it felt to wake up in ICU with a tube down my throat covered in needles, tape, and lines, unable to breath. I'll never forget what it felt like to have to stay there ALONE that first night with a phone next to me and three memorized numbers. It was suppose to be happy. Congratulations you had a baby. It was suppose to be joyous. It wasn't suppose to be scary. It wasn't suppose to be mournful.

The truth is, I don't know exactly why  it makes me so sad. I don't know why it's been so hard.

The truth is, Lillian took three steps today. I'll try to do the same.

24 hours later:

I guess I didn't realize that some of you may not have even known what happened. It's not like I posted it on Facebook. I failed to progress during labor and was having terrible pains in my rear. I had a c-section just like I did with Maren. I had really wanted to experience vaginal birth. I wanted to have skin to skin bonding time with my newborn baby.

I started bleeding in recovery after my c-section, bad. Not that I remember because I was out. After opening me back up and not being able to stop the bleeding the OBs decided to remove my uterus assuming that would do it.

It didn't. Hence the trauma surgeon. After 4 hours of bleeding through surgeries it stopped. My recovery started. I hadn't realized that it wasn't over.

My Maren

Oh, my Maren. She is non stop. She is always busy. She currently enjoys musical instruments. Last night after dinner we were all given an instrument and told to play it.

This is what she created. 

Notice she is wearing my old Wonder Woman costume. 

This may also resemble a Katy Perry song.

She's a big Katy Perry fan, E.T.?

Spring Fling

I joined a MOMS club last year. It is an international club with local chapters. Their goal: Moms Offering Moms Support. It is great to get together with other moms. They put together a great calendar in case you need something to do. I've tried to be active in the club. In May our chapter does a Spring Fling. We went last year and had a fun time. This year I volunteered to do a craft project. (I feel bad not for volunteering for this sort of thing being that I have an art degree.) Then I had to come up with an idea. It became and art project, not a craft. I wanted something easy that could be left out for the kids, something more than sidewalk chalk. I wanted something not messy since there wouldn't be a sink for washing up. I needed something washable so we weren't staining clothes. I ended up using something similar to what we did at the Children's Museum last summer on their art deck. I bought squirt bottles and a big set of Crayola washable watercolor cakes. It took two cakes in each bottle to make it dark enough to work. I am glad I prepped early for this so I had time to problem solve. The dollar squirt bottles didn't work so well but the kids seem to love it. Here's Maren working on her art:

 (Mom this is why I needed clothes pins)

The onlooker

The park has a nice playground. Maren loves the swings.

 Lilly does too.

 Check out the green "grass" underneath her. It's a new addition to the park. Half of the playground is now covered with this fake lawn. It is super nice. It looks real, feels real, but has no weeds, doesn't need mowing or water - I need this stuff for my yard.

Unfortunately we didn't have picture perfect weather. Despite the weather we had good attendance and it was still a blast. The large shelter helped. Maren doesn't hide from the rain though. She's out lying around in it and jumping in puddles. 

At the end we do an egg hunt. There are tons of eggs thrown onto the lawn. It is a great time. Thanks to all the moms who helped make it a success.

Jumping Cousins

Maren and Lillian have cousins very close to their ages that live in Iowa. We are able to see recent pics and videos on their online photo album. Maren really likes to watch the videos. After viewing one similar to this she decided we had to make a video like it - so we did:

Can't wait to see the boys this weekend and get some great videos with all of them!

This one's older too

It's from earlier this month. I didn't teach her this. She just came up to me with it.

I'll have to credit her sister. 

Videos

As I mentioned I will always be behind on my video posts. I am a stickler for chronology so this is tough but I thought some may still enjoy them even if they are older.

I bought a sand box at a consignment sale.

I soon regretted it. 

Bouncing Lilly.

Note my chaotic, circus-like life.